I can't keep up with myself emotionally over the last few weeks! After one run I'm happier, after another I'm frustrated! All the while through these emotional highs and lows I've been telling myself to keep things all in perspective and, above all, stay happy. Somedays, it's easier said than done.
This week has been challenging, still. After what I thought was a good "getting stuck back into it" run last weekend...the rest of the week has been average. This week I'd planned on 10km runs to ease myself back into it and then be back on program next week. Tuesday I headed out full of happiness to be back running and I only managed 6km. On a pain scale of 1 to 10, my knee was probably at about 5 or 6; but I knew the improvement I thought was there was definitely not there. I pushed on for a little while once it started to ache...at about 5kms...thrashing the debate out inside my head. Run sore and do further damage, or accept I'm not where I thought I was and walk. I started walking, despondent. I can't believe it has been a whole month that this injury has derailed me.
Wednesday passed as a rest day...I walked about 4kms while CBoy was at ultimate frisbee. Frustratingly, my knee doesn't hurt while walking. Thursday morning dawned and I was up at 5am debating with myself, again. Should I run and just focus on 5kms for the next little while so my fitness doesn't disappear altogether? Should I rest it more? I opted to try for the 5kms and see how I went. I went out slowly and hoped for the best. It started nagging me at 3kms; this is worse than Tuesday! I pushed on for a little while to see if it got worse. I eventually stopped, thinking I'd only managed 4kms, but when I checked my watch it was over 5kms. I'd been so focused on my knee, and in the foggy haze of morning brain, I'd set out on the 7km route not the 5km one and when I stopped early I didn't think I'd done 5km.
So I walked the rest of the way home, again. "What the hell am I going to do now?" I am really starting to feel stressed and freaked that I am running out of time. Not only do I need time to get sound, but the time to build the kms back up to anything resembling close enough to just get through the race. I am certainly not going over there to be a DNF (did not finish) due to lack of preparation (planned or unplanned). My uber-experienced-ultra-friend BGal has helped me plan the final two months, essentially rewriting my program, to get the basic kms I need into my legs in the last 8 weeks. It would be close to achievable...providing my limbs stay sound. My other concern is that once I get them sound, will they stay that way when I cram run bigger kms into them, especially after such a light month for training.
Laying on the physio's table this morning...it all became a little too much and I started to cry. Not cry because she was hurting me, which she was; but just because I really see this slipping beyond my grasp and it is so frustrating. The pratical part of my brain knows that not entering this particular race would not mean defeat...the emotional part of my brain that has been so invested in this process is gutted. I know I can re-assess, rest and resume; I really truely have a taste for this type of racing and running and really do want to push myself and see what I am capable of. I can see myself doing this and then doubt and tiredness creep in and I am full of confusion and fear. I've been attempting to "feel the fear and do it anyway", but soon simple logic will have to come to the fore....x won't go into y!!
My physio is a fantastic woman; so understanding and proud of me also. She is doing everything in her power to help me get to the start line! She worked on my tired body this morning for 45 mins! She needled less and massaged more and, not surprisingly, we found more bits that hurt. I guess this is what comes from "running on a tight budget" and not being able to afford a completely self-indulgent, much needed, weekly massage to help the legs. I've been asking them to do an inordinant amount of running and not been repaying them very well. I do what I can, and money for a massage doesn't come into it, so I've had to go without for the most part. It now seems most of my legs are going out in sympathy with my knee...but in truth it is the legs that came first and the knee is a result of the knots all through my legs.
PhysioGal has now decided she will book me in for a Wednesday as I am soon to start a new job with Wednesdays free. As her last appointment of the day she is going to do as much as she can for my legs in 45min to an hour that she "leave me on the table" before she gets in strife! Such a genuine lovely young woman! I really trust her and hope it helps...I've completely dropped the ball now as far as momentum for this task. I hope it comes back, quick.
No comments:
Post a Comment