Well that's it; I've conceded. For the moment, temporarily. My body is too uncooperative at this point to push on. With barely 100kms run in the last 5 weeks my ITBs and right knee aren't really improving. The only reason they haven't gotten worse is that I am barely running. There is simply not enough to continue on to the start line. My Death Race is over...for now.
I should be averaging 100kms+ a week at the moment and I am barely managing a run around the block. A little more rest, a little more rest; no time for a little more rest. With the start of the race in 9 weeks, and some $4000 invested to get there, I have finally admitted I won't make it. I've known this for some time, a few weeks, but not wanting to give up, and hoping to miraculously be able to run without pain, have put off this decision. It's not one I was looking forward to.
The emotional and soppy side of me is gutted. So much invested and I am heart broken. The practical, optimistic, gutsy and determined side of me is angry; and plotting her revenge. Another race, another time; this is definitely not over.
I have met some amazing people in the ultra community in Perth and they have definitely ignited a passion in me for this sport. Though my body at the moment says otherwise, I still think, given more preparation, learning and time, that I might be half ok at this sport. If my Canadian friend BGal can get through this same injury as me (and she also had knee surgery), then I can too. She is now on the Canadian Team for the Worlds in July this year (having taken up ultra running only 4-5 years ago); and though it seems impossible that I would have a tenth of her ability, she has encouraged me to perservere. That, after all, is the catch cry of those who run further just because they can..."persevere". Who knows where I will be in 2, 3 or 4 years time? The wonder of it is excitement enough...for the moment!
I deeply thank all of those people that have accompanied me along the way (so far) for their encouragment and support; especially my kids MGirl and CBoy, and my sister KGal. To those who bought chocolate from me, or contributed in some other way financially to the Lung Foundation, thank you. All funds are still going directly to them and I will update with a further instalment once the counting is done.
This journey since before August last year has certainly given me purpose, and shown me all the emotions between happiness and sorrow. I do feel incredibly lucky with where I am in life...the adventure is just beginning! And when you have a day where you feel you can't keep going; remember the sun always gets up in the morning, and we get a do-over of the day before!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
May 20th 2011 - Emotional rollercoaster...
I can't keep up with myself emotionally over the last few weeks! After one run I'm happier, after another I'm frustrated! All the while through these emotional highs and lows I've been telling myself to keep things all in perspective and, above all, stay happy. Somedays, it's easier said than done.
This week has been challenging, still. After what I thought was a good "getting stuck back into it" run last weekend...the rest of the week has been average. This week I'd planned on 10km runs to ease myself back into it and then be back on program next week. Tuesday I headed out full of happiness to be back running and I only managed 6km. On a pain scale of 1 to 10, my knee was probably at about 5 or 6; but I knew the improvement I thought was there was definitely not there. I pushed on for a little while once it started to ache...at about 5kms...thrashing the debate out inside my head. Run sore and do further damage, or accept I'm not where I thought I was and walk. I started walking, despondent. I can't believe it has been a whole month that this injury has derailed me.
Wednesday passed as a rest day...I walked about 4kms while CBoy was at ultimate frisbee. Frustratingly, my knee doesn't hurt while walking. Thursday morning dawned and I was up at 5am debating with myself, again. Should I run and just focus on 5kms for the next little while so my fitness doesn't disappear altogether? Should I rest it more? I opted to try for the 5kms and see how I went. I went out slowly and hoped for the best. It started nagging me at 3kms; this is worse than Tuesday! I pushed on for a little while to see if it got worse. I eventually stopped, thinking I'd only managed 4kms, but when I checked my watch it was over 5kms. I'd been so focused on my knee, and in the foggy haze of morning brain, I'd set out on the 7km route not the 5km one and when I stopped early I didn't think I'd done 5km.
So I walked the rest of the way home, again. "What the hell am I going to do now?" I am really starting to feel stressed and freaked that I am running out of time. Not only do I need time to get sound, but the time to build the kms back up to anything resembling close enough to just get through the race. I am certainly not going over there to be a DNF (did not finish) due to lack of preparation (planned or unplanned). My uber-experienced-ultra-friend BGal has helped me plan the final two months, essentially rewriting my program, to get the basic kms I need into my legs in the last 8 weeks. It would be close to achievable...providing my limbs stay sound. My other concern is that once I get them sound, will they stay that way when I cram run bigger kms into them, especially after such a light month for training.
Laying on the physio's table this morning...it all became a little too much and I started to cry. Not cry because she was hurting me, which she was; but just because I really see this slipping beyond my grasp and it is so frustrating. The pratical part of my brain knows that not entering this particular race would not mean defeat...the emotional part of my brain that has been so invested in this process is gutted. I know I can re-assess, rest and resume; I really truely have a taste for this type of racing and running and really do want to push myself and see what I am capable of. I can see myself doing this and then doubt and tiredness creep in and I am full of confusion and fear. I've been attempting to "feel the fear and do it anyway", but soon simple logic will have to come to the fore....x won't go into y!!
My physio is a fantastic woman; so understanding and proud of me also. She is doing everything in her power to help me get to the start line! She worked on my tired body this morning for 45 mins! She needled less and massaged more and, not surprisingly, we found more bits that hurt. I guess this is what comes from "running on a tight budget" and not being able to afford a completely self-indulgent, much needed, weekly massage to help the legs. I've been asking them to do an inordinant amount of running and not been repaying them very well. I do what I can, and money for a massage doesn't come into it, so I've had to go without for the most part. It now seems most of my legs are going out in sympathy with my knee...but in truth it is the legs that came first and the knee is a result of the knots all through my legs.
PhysioGal has now decided she will book me in for a Wednesday as I am soon to start a new job with Wednesdays free. As her last appointment of the day she is going to do as much as she can for my legs in 45min to an hour that she "leave me on the table" before she gets in strife! Such a genuine lovely young woman! I really trust her and hope it helps...I've completely dropped the ball now as far as momentum for this task. I hope it comes back, quick.
This week has been challenging, still. After what I thought was a good "getting stuck back into it" run last weekend...the rest of the week has been average. This week I'd planned on 10km runs to ease myself back into it and then be back on program next week. Tuesday I headed out full of happiness to be back running and I only managed 6km. On a pain scale of 1 to 10, my knee was probably at about 5 or 6; but I knew the improvement I thought was there was definitely not there. I pushed on for a little while once it started to ache...at about 5kms...thrashing the debate out inside my head. Run sore and do further damage, or accept I'm not where I thought I was and walk. I started walking, despondent. I can't believe it has been a whole month that this injury has derailed me.
Wednesday passed as a rest day...I walked about 4kms while CBoy was at ultimate frisbee. Frustratingly, my knee doesn't hurt while walking. Thursday morning dawned and I was up at 5am debating with myself, again. Should I run and just focus on 5kms for the next little while so my fitness doesn't disappear altogether? Should I rest it more? I opted to try for the 5kms and see how I went. I went out slowly and hoped for the best. It started nagging me at 3kms; this is worse than Tuesday! I pushed on for a little while to see if it got worse. I eventually stopped, thinking I'd only managed 4kms, but when I checked my watch it was over 5kms. I'd been so focused on my knee, and in the foggy haze of morning brain, I'd set out on the 7km route not the 5km one and when I stopped early I didn't think I'd done 5km.
So I walked the rest of the way home, again. "What the hell am I going to do now?" I am really starting to feel stressed and freaked that I am running out of time. Not only do I need time to get sound, but the time to build the kms back up to anything resembling close enough to just get through the race. I am certainly not going over there to be a DNF (did not finish) due to lack of preparation (planned or unplanned). My uber-experienced-ultra-friend BGal has helped me plan the final two months, essentially rewriting my program, to get the basic kms I need into my legs in the last 8 weeks. It would be close to achievable...providing my limbs stay sound. My other concern is that once I get them sound, will they stay that way when I cram run bigger kms into them, especially after such a light month for training.
Laying on the physio's table this morning...it all became a little too much and I started to cry. Not cry because she was hurting me, which she was; but just because I really see this slipping beyond my grasp and it is so frustrating. The pratical part of my brain knows that not entering this particular race would not mean defeat...the emotional part of my brain that has been so invested in this process is gutted. I know I can re-assess, rest and resume; I really truely have a taste for this type of racing and running and really do want to push myself and see what I am capable of. I can see myself doing this and then doubt and tiredness creep in and I am full of confusion and fear. I've been attempting to "feel the fear and do it anyway", but soon simple logic will have to come to the fore....x won't go into y!!
My physio is a fantastic woman; so understanding and proud of me also. She is doing everything in her power to help me get to the start line! She worked on my tired body this morning for 45 mins! She needled less and massaged more and, not surprisingly, we found more bits that hurt. I guess this is what comes from "running on a tight budget" and not being able to afford a completely self-indulgent, much needed, weekly massage to help the legs. I've been asking them to do an inordinant amount of running and not been repaying them very well. I do what I can, and money for a massage doesn't come into it, so I've had to go without for the most part. It now seems most of my legs are going out in sympathy with my knee...but in truth it is the legs that came first and the knee is a result of the knots all through my legs.
PhysioGal has now decided she will book me in for a Wednesday as I am soon to start a new job with Wednesdays free. As her last appointment of the day she is going to do as much as she can for my legs in 45min to an hour that she "leave me on the table" before she gets in strife! Such a genuine lovely young woman! I really trust her and hope it helps...I've completely dropped the ball now as far as momentum for this task. I hope it comes back, quick.
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