I am human, though sometimes I feel like a zombie or just one big coping mechanism. Deep down I am just a girl hoping a boy will fall in love with me one day. My whole life as a single mother has been about overcoming and carrying on; one day, just one day, I’d love to not have to overcome anything! I have learnt I am resilient; I have learnt I am capable; I have learnt I can achieve anything I choose to apply myself to; I have learnt how to be alone, in the darkest depths of despair, and to climb again into the sunshine and breathe deeply and start over.
I was reading a book the other night that said we have to take the word “hope” out of our vocabulary as hope implies an underlying expectation, and expectations can be dashed! So the premise in this book was to replace the word “hope” with “wonder” and in wondering how this or that will go, then you are open to whatever may happen without expectation which (in theory) lessens the expectation and accompanied disappointment should you not get what you ‘wondered’ about. I kind of understand it, but either way if I wonder or I hope; I still get disappointed in life. So… the trick is to build a bloody big wall around your heart and get on with living and hope, sorry wonder, if the next guy you meet is capable of scaling vertical walls or wonder if he carries a big hammer or stick of TNT…because I am wondering how impenetrable the wall around my heart will be by the time he arrives? I know life is a rollercoaster, and a bad day or week now does not mean it is all bad. It has taken me many years to realise that. So in time I will feel less crappy than I do right now.
I also learned this morning, that no amount of freshness in your legs makes it easy to carry heavy emotion on a 12.5km run with you! I had a fantastic 90 minute massage on Tuesday night. I had phoned an old friend that I used to pay for massage when I was doing triathlons, and he was still doing them and happy to trade one for one as he was in need of one also. So this morning when I headed out from home before 7am on my new commute to work, my legs should’ve been fresh! The morning was beautiful, and the temperature less excruciatingly cold as I’d remembered to wear my gloves. It doesn’t matter what I wear when I run when it’s cold, I seem to always warm up enough…but if my fingers are cold it takes a lot longer. I hoped that the run this morning would help blow the cobwebs away and get me through the day; but it hasn’t. It was a tough run this morning and I wasn’t smiling. Time-wise much the same as Tuesday morning; 1:13:32 for 12.65km; avg HR was164, calories burnt 838. But as I stood in the shower at work compelling the hot water to wash more than my skin, I realised how exhausted I was. The last few months are catching up on me; making the extra time to run, neglecting the house and FD#1; at least I’m not neglecting the kids. Well, they haven’t said so anyway.
The sentencing of CBoy’s attacker has been and gone; that was quite harrowing also. To finally see the face of the kid that did that to my son was quite confronting. He had his whole family there supporting him; perhaps something they should have done long ago and he wouldn’t have beaten my baby the way that he did! Anyway, he avoided “time” and is on a good behavior bond and community service, what I expected really from the start.
So a blah week, kind of: but on the plus side I got my two runs in and am not in deficit heading into the weekend… which is something to be proud of!
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